Which Parenting Style is Best to Raise Successful Children?
Updated: Apr 28, 2022
Introduction
When it comes to child-rearing, there are many different parenting styles that we can fall into. Some parents opt for an authoritarian parenting style, while others prefer a more authoritative approach. Still, others may be more permissive, and some happen to be uninvolved altogether.
So how do you know which parenting style you are following and what will the effects be on your kids? This is a question that many parents ask themselves. Each parenting style has its own benefits and drawbacks, so it's important to take the time to study each one before we actualize our fear... of "ruining our children."
Ok, so maybe that was a little dramatic.
But in all seriousness, the way that we choose to parent our children can make a huge difference in current child behavior and the rest of everyone's life that's involved.
Here are the 4 parenting styles as developed by Diana Baumrind (and recognized pretty much everywhere):
Authoritative
Authoritarian
Permissive
Uninvolved
Raising children isn't easy (as you already know). However, if we implement the best parenting style we will be able to improve our relationship with our kids from early childhood through adulthood. Let's dive into each of the parenting styles below to see how they can affect you and your kids.
Table of Contents
Authoritative Parenting Style
"Authoritative parenting is a style of child-rearing that combines warmth, sensitivity, and the setting of limits. Parents use positive reinforcement and reasoning to guide children." - Foundations Counseling, LLC
Synonyms for Authoritative Parenting:
Gentle parenting or Positive parenting
Authoritative parents should not be confused with permissive parents (as you will see later). An authoritative parent is someone who gives room for their kids to do as they please but will enforce rules to teach kids what actions are appropriate and when actions are appropriate. At times you may see an authoritative parent avoid intervening as they let their kids make mistakes to learn valuable lessons.
Unlike permissive parents, however, they will step in afterward to do an "after-action review" and use those moments as an opportunity to teach kids. This effective parenting style will inspire cooperation as the child and parent use open communication to create structure and learn good behavior.
Authoritative parenting includes:
Set Limits: Setting reasonable (non-negotiable) rules for your kids and enforcing them helps them learn about healthy boundaries.
Validate Emotions: Emphasize open communication between both parent and child. Be open about your feelings and let your child share theirs. This helps meet your child's emotional needs and you can teach them how to use emotions effectively.
Authoritative parenting is ideal for those who want a warm relationship between themselves and their children. Having clear expectations in place while also allowing room for autonomy and mistakes will give children the opportunity to learn self-discipline.
Authoritative parents expect their kids to follow the set limits, but also allow room to hear their child's opinion and provide explanations as needed to understand why limits were set. By doing so, authoritative parents employ attributes akin to a "coach" that help with proper child development that will shape their child's behavior in a way that sets them up for future success.
Unlike authoritarian parents, authoritative parents tend to use gentle phrases at a lower volume (instead of screaming/yelling) to get their point across. They will get down on their child's level to help their child understand their emotions or actions and how to respond to situations to behave responsibly.
The authoritative parenting style (aka "positive parenting style") has been shown to produce children that are:
More likely to do well in school and have successful futures.
Better adjusted socially, emotionally, and behaviorally.
Lowered risk of depression and anxiety
Examples of Authoritative Parenting phrases:
"I see that you are very frustrated right now, can you help me understand why you feel frustrated?"
"It looks like you feel angry right now. Can you tell me why? Can I help you find a good way to express your anger?"
"I hear you that you want ice cream right now. Ice cream is one of my favorite desserts too. But, our family rule is that we only have ice cream on Monday and Friday nights. So, no ice cream today."
"I saw you hit your sister just now. Can you help me understand why you did that? Can I help you find a better way to see if she will share that toy with you?"
Authoritarian Parenting Style
"Strict parents raise the best liars." - Unknown
Synonyms for Authoritarian Parents:
Drill Sargent parenting, old fashion parenting, parenting style from the 1950s
In an authoritarian style of parenting, parents set very strict rules for their children. They have high expectations when it comes to how their children should behave. If these expectations are not met, the child will likely face consequences that can be anything from verbal punishment to physical discipline. This style of parenting often employs a "my way or the highway" type of mentality which leaves no room for negotiation.
Authoritarian parents also expect blind obedience and will often ignore children's emotional needs or see their outbursts as negative or inappropriate. Doing so will stifle a child's critical thinking and problem-solving ability as this parent-child relationship doesn't allow room for mistakes. If the child doesn't clean their room, play with their toys, or talk the "right way"... The child gets in trouble.
Authoritarian parent actions:
You will typically see parents who aren't particularly interested in communicating or connecting with their kids on any kind of emotional level; however, they do expect them to follow ALL orders and rules without questioning them.
Often, but not always, physical punishment is used in order to get children to comply with the parent's wishes.
Employ a Drill Sargeant approach to raising their kids (including raising their voice in an attempt for full parental control)
Research suggests that these children who grow up with authoritarian parents may have a higher risk of doing poorly in school and in social settings. They are unable to navigate their own emotional climate as they've been asked to push their feelings down. Resulting in a lack of ability to regulate their own emotions risking behavior problems as well.
The authoritarian parenting style has been shown to produce children that:
Are obedient but may have low self-esteem and be less likely to take risks later in life.
May find it difficult to connect emotionally with others as they grow older.
Turn out rebellious, resentful, and defiant.
Have a poor relationship with their parents going into middle and late adulthood.
Being prone to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
Examples of Authoritarian Parenting phrases:
"I don't care if you aren't tired. You will get into bed and go to sleep."
"Because I said so."
"You need to clean your room now. No ifs, ands, or buts."
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you can't have dessert."
Permissive Parenting Style
"Permissive parents are lenient. They often only step in when there's a serious problem. They're quite forgiving and they adopt an attitude of "kids will be kids." When they do use consequences, they may not make those consequences stick. They might give privileges back if a child begs or they may allow a child to get out of time-out early if he promises to be good." - Bambini's Place
Synonyms for a permissive parent:
"do whatever you want to" parent, laissez-faire parent, a child's best friend, indulgent parenting style, free-range parenting
The most difficult parenting style to define, permissive parenting, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for children. These parents are very loving and nurturing but provide few guidelines and rules.
A permissive parent may also allow children to regulate their own behavior without any guidance; letting kids "get away with anything." This parenting practice avoids precious opportunities of teaching kids self-control, how to help children utilize their character traits effectively, and problem-solve on their own.
This parenting practice includes:
Giving your kids absolute freedom while only intervening if there is a major problem (which could vary from parent to parent).
Parents who are more interested in being friends with their children than setting boundaries.
Lack of punishment when "rules" are broken.
These parents often give in to their kid's demands, even if they know that it isn't the best thing for them.
The permissive parent rarely punishes their child for poor behavior (or doesn't punish at all). Instead, they may try reasoning with them as a way of teaching how to behave better next time around. Children who have permissive parents tend not to be self-disciplined because there were no consequences set up beforehand by mom/dad.
In this permissive style of parenting, parents allow their children to do basically whatever they want with little to no consequences.
The permissive parenting style has been shown to produce child outcomes such that they:
May find it difficult to deal with disappointment or frustration as they get older since everything has always been handed to them on a silver platter.
May struggle with taking orders from other authority figures.
Perform worse in academic environments.
Tend to be more aggressive and impulsive with their actions and they are unable to regulate themselves.
May not interact well with other kids as they ignore social norms.
Examples of Permissive Parenting phrases:
"I'm too tired. Go do it yourself."
"You're such a good kid. You don't need a time-out."
"I don't want to fight with you about this."
"Sure, you can come out of time-out. Just stop screaming at me."
Uninvolved Parenting Style
"Uninvolved parents make few to no demands of their children and they are often indifferent, dismissive, or even completely neglectful." - Very Well Mind
Synonyms for an uninvolved parent:
hands-off parenting style, disengaged parenting style, negligent parenting style
The uninvolved parenting style is characterized by low levels of parental engagement and supervision. This parenting practice, unlike permissive parenting, shows absolutely no interest in their child's lives. Uninvolved parents completely ignore the social development of their children as well.
This type of parenting includes:
Parents who don't really have any expectations for how their kids should behave.
Parents that are emotionally distant or neglectful due to mental health issues or other circumstances that prevent them from being able to be present in their child's life.
Parents may be unable to provide any kind of emotional support for their kids because they don't know how themselves.
Parents skip out on school events, conferences for their children, and provide little to no supervision.
The uninvolved parenting style can have a major negative effect on the developmental psychology of any child. It puts all of the responsibility of growing up and learning on children, which in turn, can lead to bad behavior and a variety of other problems in early adolescence.
Kids need a mentor to step in and "show them the ropes" in life. Without a good parent or guardian to lead the way, they won't know on their own how to handle everything that life throws at them.
The uninvolved parenting style (aka "neglectful parenting style") has been shown to produce child outcomes such that they:
are more prone to anxiety and depression
are emotionally withdrawn
have to learn to provide for themselves
have an increased risk of substance abuse and delinquency
Examples of Uninvolved Parenting phrases:
"I don't care how you deal with it. Just leave me alone."
"As long as he doesn't get into trouble, I'm happy."
"Go take care of yourself."
Conclusion
What's the Best Parenting Strategy to implement?
At the end of the day, the answer to this question depends on what the end goal is for you and your kids. If you don't want to be involved in your kids' lives, then I would recommend waiting to have children or not having any at all. Authoritarian parents do care about their children but may end up stifling a lot of attributes that improve adolescent competence.
The most effective parenting style that provides the best positive outcomes would definitely be authoritative parenting. Authoritative parenting has shown to be the best parenting style as it works with each child's temperament to aid in proper child development.
The children that grow up with parents that implement an authoritative style, regardless of ethnic differences, have shown to be able to work well with their peers and succeed in all aspects of their lives.
My own Personal Experience with these Parenting Styles
My early Parenting
Early in my own personal parenting journey, I started to see the negative aspects of the other three parenting styles show up in my own children. I naturally employed an authoritarian parenting style and saw how it lead my children to lie to me constantly.
My wife and I would spend countless hours trying to figure out what we should do and ultimately began our own research.
Our Eye-Opening Experience to the Best Parenting Style
When we came across the authoritative parenting style we knew immediately that it was the right path to achieve our goals of having positive relationships with our boys into adulthood. The other parenting practices that we were implementing provided some immediate results that we liked; but, ultimately we could see that they were not a strong long-term solution.
Our Results Since Changing Parenting Styles
Since we have implemented an authoritative parenting style (a.k.a. gentle or positive parenting) we have noticed our children be open with their emotions, more often tell the truth, and communicate with us openly.
None of the other parenting styles provided us with such awesome positive outcomes. It only cements the decision we made to use this style when we have our children come home from a friend's house and the other parent tells us that our boys are welcome any time and were so well behaved.
Keep in Mind: We still aren't Perfect
Even though we've made this change, we still aren't perfect 100% of the time. My wife and I still allow ourselves room to make mistakes and strive to improve.
Where do you go from here?
If you have found yourself worrying about "ruining your kids", it's never too late to do a self-evaluation of your goals for your parenting style. Once you know what the end goal is, seek out resources that provide information on how to get there.
The best way for a parent to learn is through trial and error and it's never too late to start - even if your kids are already teenagers!
If you feel like all hope is lost, you can hire a personal parenting coach.
Here are a few parenting coaches to check out:
Need some Visual Examples?
There are many different sources where you can learn about what makes authoritative parents successful.
Here are a few places you can begin your own research on parenting styles:
The Parenting Junkie (youtube)
Destini Ann (TikTok/Instagram)
Tia Slightham (TikTok)
Sources/Additional Information on Parenting Styles:
Author: Andrew McFarlane
Andrew McFarlane is a full-time dad and a parenting blogger. He shares advice for new parents, experienced parents, and any parent in-between at PapaPerspective.com. He does this through positive parenting methods, the best parenting gear, and lots of laughter. When he's not blogging about the best parenting practices, he'll be out taking photos, playing hockey, or spending time with his wife and 2 boys.
Коментарі